- Going to California for New Years. Sounds great. But I’m with my family. Yes, I desperately want to see my sister, but New Years is always disappointing and no one in my family will even make it to midnight most likely. So it might be less disappointing with friends.
- Brian. Everything about him. All the broken promises he made me, all the hope he gave me for loving me when I came back.
- United Airlines. The complete fucks. There is no customer service and also gave me unrealistic expectations of making my flight home and now I’m stuck in San Francisco awaiting a late night flight home. Don’t tell someone after a 13 hour flight that they have another 12 hours to wait.
- The fact that Australia already seems like some weird dream.
- The fact I’m psming.
- The fact that all I ever do anymore is cry in airports and I’m sick of it but it keeps happening because life keeps jerking me around and I’m sick of it.
- The fact that I’ll have no time for fun or friends this semester and that’s purposeful since I don’t want to have to watch Brian be in love with another girl and pine about it forever.
- The fact that I’m not at home right now like I should be. Hugging my parents, cuddling my kitty since he’s the only man left that loves me and I love in return.
Not exactly the homecoming I had expected. A day ago or 4 months ago.
It’s been horrible frankly.
Too many broken promises and expectations have been shattered.
I knew this would be hard, but did it have to be this hard?
It hasn’t been the most auspicious end of trips, with a best friendship falling apart, anxiety about returning home and seeing the boy I love with someone else, losing my jacket, phone and passport the night before I leave due to taking care of my very drunk friend (successfully got back the phone and passport post-early morning meltdown) but it’s ending anyway. No matter if the ending has been good or bad, it happened that way and it’s all been beautiful. I’ve met wonderful people and done incredible things I never thought I would. But it’s time for me to fly, and I’m ready. I couldn’t say that about a month ago, but my time here has taught me that there are even problems in paradise. Real life finds you no matter how far you run. So no more running for me. Back to life in the States, not the same life by any means, I don’t want it to be the same, I have changed on this trip.
I have grown, in fact I feel quite old at times, and I am a stronger person. It’s been terribly hard and it’s been beyond phenomenal.
But from every peak and depression, I have loved it all. I will always remember my experience Down Under with fondness.
Thank you Adelaide for being my home for a beautiful 5 months.
Cheers Australia, it’s been heaps of fun.
One week from now I will see you again.
After 5 months, I’m coming home again.
Not to what you promised me.
I don’t know if I’m dreading it or longing for it.
But whatever I find when I come home, I’m happy to be coming back.
The capital-T Truth is about life BEFORE death.
It is about the real value of a real education, which has almost nothing to do with knowledge, and everything to do with simple awareness; awareness of what is so real and essential, so hidden in plain sight all around us, all the time, that we have to keep reminding ourselves over and over:
"This is water."
"This is water."
It is unimaginably hard to do this, to stay conscious and alive in the adult world day in and day out.”
If the last thing I see in Adelaide is my two first friends sitting on a couch as I say goodbye, that’s fine with me.
Leaving a friendship on a bad note is the worst thing possible.
I’m afraid of losing two best friends in the coming week…
"Listen, you’re either going to go back and it’s going to work out. Or it’s not. It’s very likely it won’t. Prepare yourself for that. And move on if that’s the case. There is nothing worse than holding on to a guy who doesn’t give two shits about you."
Both Sides Now ~ Joni Mitchell
"Bows and flows of angel hair. And ice cream castles in the air. And feather canyons everywhere, I've looked at clouds that way.
But now they only block the sun. They rain and snow on everyone. So many things I would have done. But clouds got in my way.
I’ve looked at clouds from both sides now. From up and down, and still somehow. It’s cloud illusions I recall. I really don’t know clouds at all.
Moons and Junes and Ferris wheels. The dizzy dancing way you feel. As every fairy tale comes real. I’ve looked at love that way.
But now it’s just another show. You leave ‘em laughing when you go. And if you care, don’t let them know. Don’t give yourself away.
I’ve looked at love from both sides now. From give and take, and still somehow. It’s love’s illusions I recall. I really don’t know love at all.
Tears and fears and feeling proud. To say “I love you” right out loud. Dreams and schemes and circus crowds. I’ve looked at life that way.
Oh but now old friends are acting strange. They shake their heads, they say I’ve changed. Well something’s lost but something’s gained. In living every day.
I’ve looked at life from both sides now. From win and lose and still somehow. It’s life’s illusions I recall. I really don’t know life at all.”
I have a fantastic life and I’m letting a boy/best friend ruin my perception of that.