A Year Ago Today

In yet another fit of nostalgia, I remembered that one year ago today I left home to go to Adelaide, Australia.
I can comfortably say that the ensuing year has been the most incredible and most difficult of my life.
I have seen so many breathtaking sights, met the most incredible people, grew immensely as a human being, endured a whole lot of heartbreak and depression, and slowly, painfully I have healed and feel more whole and happy than I maybe ever have.
I want to give a sincere, heartfelt thank you to my friends and family all over this world for all the help and all the positivity. I will be a brighter, happier person for all my days because of this year.
Here’s to the ebb and flow of life and the adventure never ceasing.

We only have two weeks together before he moves away and I have come to terms with it peacefully.

He has brought me so much joy and positivity but we both need to be set free into the world. We both don’t really know where we’re going or where we will end up. That’s alright.

So we can’t hold on. We don’t have to let go, but continuing on entwined isn’t an option. And I thought it would hurt so badly but I’m quite alright with it. I love this boy. I adore this boy. But when our time ends, it will end peacefully and with best friendship still in place. I can ask for no more.

Thank you, Tom.

I Miss My Cocoa Butter Kisses

My boy is home in 2-3 days.
PUDDLING.

Moments like this, I can feel your heart beating as clearly as I feel my own, and I know that separation is an illusion. My life extends far beyond the limitations of me.
Some things, once you’ve loved them, become yours forever.
And if you try to let them go…
They only circle back and return to you.
They become part of who you are…
…or they destroy you.

I’ve come so fucking far.

And I’m going so much farther.

Why Your Second Love Deserves More Credit Than Your First

Drunken 4 am walks around the block while my boy is just in his briefs.
Followed by Frank Ocean lullabies.

Oh, romance you saucy, fleeting wench.

Don’t leave me yet.

You know how they say funerals are for the dead, not for the living? Bachelor parties are not for the groom, they’re for the unmarried. If you have someone that you think is the one … take that person and travel around the world. Buy a plane ticket for the two of you to travel all around the world and go to places that are hard to go to and hard to get out of. And … when you land at JFK and you’re still in love with that person, get married.

I’m so happy to have found these people in my life.
They’re exactly the kind of people I want to be. We drink too much, stay up all night, we’re going to live like we’re 21 until we’re ready to feel grown up. We travel and move as our hearts lead us and know that people are the most important part of this life and center ourselves around people with the most positive vibes.
And even though the beautiful boy who led me to these beautiful people is going away, he’s been so crucial in helping me realize what I was missing out on. He loves life. He’s so enthusiastic, exceedingly friendly, musical, and understanding. Sometimes I get overwhelmed being next to him when I realize how hung up I was on a boy who wasn’t happy or whole. But then there is this beautiful creature next to me, with his mop of stringy hair, contagious cackle, and kind eyes and I feel so fucking grateful to have met him. We’ve helped each other heal.
I don’t love him. He doesn’t love me. But I am going to miss that boy terribly. He has no idea how much peace and inspiration and openness he’s added to my life at a time when I was so fucked up.
I am surrounded by beautiful people. And although these moments with these beautiful people seem fleeting right now, I am going to travel the globe until I find where I belong and the people whose energy calls to me, the people who enjoy life endlessly. That’s where I want to be and I will not feel at home until I find these beautiful people, wherever that may be. And it won’t be fleeting when I finally find them. I will be surrounded with goodness and that is where I will find my happiness.

And fuck it.
I do love him.

Last Night

Was so very perfect. It wasn’t perfect at all. And I think that’s perfect.

I worked for 7 hours. Even though one of my co-workers through off everyone’s vibes we powered through and close-out became a party.
Demitri decided to stay the night instead of going home so we all boozed and laughed instead.
Met a cool girl named Jessica. We prayed to Michelle Kwan.
I went out with Sarah and Ray and we got drinks bought for us by the owner of the club. Ray’s too damn sexy for his own good.
Talked a lot about gay sex and men with Ray.
Drunkenly pretended I was authentically Italian…again.
Sat at a diner eating greasy breakfast and talked to my boy about music, traveling, family¬† and some heavier stuff that wasn’t so hard to say in front of each other since we both have such open hearts. We made plans together and got too attached.
I stayed up til 6am and saw the most beautiful sunrise on the way home.
He said he’d miss me this weekend. After so much ambiguity in my romantic life, that was so important for me to hear.
I feel so warm.

Some days my heart is so unbearably heavy, I can’t believe that weighty organ doesn’t break away from the walls of my ribs and plummet straight through me, freeing itself from my body.

I am an endless phoenix.
Falling to ash, yet rising again.
Relentless as this world is.

All my life I’ve wanted to be closer to God.
The closest I got?
Silence.

In case you were hoping I have low self esteem and calling me beautiful will make me swoon; sorry. I’ve always thought I’m beautiful.